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[Mary Alice]
Previously on Desperate Housewives.
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Bree's husband felt rejected.
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00:00:04,709 --> 00:00:07,500
I think it's strange to see my wife
billed as "Mrs. Van De Kamp."
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It's how I'm known.
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Is there a Mr. Van De Kamp?
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No, Mr. Van De Kamp is deceased.
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Would it have killed you
to have mentioned me?
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It's because I went to jail, isn't it?
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Lynette's husband was excited.
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We're gonna start a garage band!
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I thought you were the one who said
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you wanted to spend more time
with your family.
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Guys need to blow off steam.
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Edie's new husband had a past...
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[Heller] You've been here six weeks,
and you don't seem any closer
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to coming to terms with your rage.
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I have come to terms with it.
And I like it just the way it is.
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...which remained a mystery.
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I just think it's odd
that you're married to some guy
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and you don't know anything about him.
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She kept asking me all this stuff
about your background.
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And Susan tried to move on.
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Well, I sort of started seeing someone.
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Good for you.
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[kids chattering]
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[Mary Alice] Every year,
Ms. Elenora Butters
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00:00:57,375 --> 00:01:01,208
would ask her kindergarten class
to draw a picture of their families,
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which she would then display
on "Meet the Teacher" night.
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That's how Ty Richmond's parents
saw his depiction of their fighting.
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And Amy Hines' parents saw
her portrayal of their drinking.
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And Jason Monte's parents saw
his illustration of their hygiene.
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You see, Ms. Butters felt it was important
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for parents to see themselves
through their children's eyes.
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She knew the experience...
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Ed, he's got me vacuuming in my bra.
Do I do that?
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...could be very educational.
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-I know, I know.
-Did I not say 7:00?
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You missed their little show.
MJ was Tooth Decay.
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Well, the cross-town traffic killed me.
And I told you to videotape it.
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Well, did you tell me
to take off the lens cap?
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Next time be more specific.
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Mr. Delfino, glad you made it.
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-Did you get to see MJ's artwork?
-No, not yet. Can't wait.
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Oh, hey, look at that. There we are,
standing in front of the house.
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Look what he did with my hair.
I kind of like the bangs.
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Hey, look, he put a wrench in my pocket.
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And see how big my muscles are?
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[chuckles] Which is a good thing,
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'cause there's a shark
attacking the house.
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-Hey, Daddy.
-Hey, buddy.
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Your mommy and I were just looking
at your wonderful painting.
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-You like it?
-I love it.
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Especially how big and strong
you made me look.
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That's not you. That's Jackson.
See the paintbrush in his pocket?
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Oh. Who's Jackson?
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He paints our house,
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until my mom makes him drink wine
and have a sleepover.
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[stammering]
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Because Mike and I are divorced,
so that's why...
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It was supposed to be
a picture of the family,
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so you should have put your daddy in it.
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I did.
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Oh, the bug with the little hat?
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That's you,
'cause you're always so far away.
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Oh, yeah, that's... Now I see me.
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[Mary Alice] Yes. Every year,
Ms. Elenora Butters
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would ask her class to draw
a picture of their families,
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even though she knew the portraits
might not be that flattering.
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[theme music plays]
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[theme music ends]
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[doorbell rings]
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If you look closely into the faces
of your friends, you'll see it.
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-Hey! Congratulations!
-Come on in!
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Right behind their smiles, you will see
a certain green-eyed monster.
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And then you'll understand
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how envious they are
of your well-kept home,
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your delicious recipes
and your tasteful possessions.
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Here's my cookbook.
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But you'll have to work hard
to see the jealousy,
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because good friends
always work hard to hide it.
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Look at you, right on the cover.
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These are advanced copies.
I wanted you to be the first to have them.
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And look, you signed it.
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"To Lynette, the sweetest,
most wonderful friend I've ever known."
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Oh.
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"To Susan, the sweetest, most..."
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We don't have to read them out loud.
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Don't mind me, ladies.
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I'm just grabbing a kiss
on my way to the salt mines.
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-You have a good day.
-Thanks, babe.
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-Oh, did you show them the ad?
-Oh, I almost forgot.
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-Bye.
-Bye.
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Isn't this nice?
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They're running it next month
in Woman's Day.
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You're going to be in magazines, too?
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They've come up
with this whole marketing plan.
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Radio, print, book signings...
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-Wow. Isn't it fantastic?
-No, it's horrible!
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She's gonna become this famous author
and have no time at all for us.
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No, come on, Gabby,
you know that Bree will never change.
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Thank you, Katherine. I will never
become stuck-up and full of myself.
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I didn't say that.
I said you'd never change.
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Very funny. I hardly think you have
to worry about me becoming famous.
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You have a marketing plan.
You wanna see my marketing plan?
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"Milk, bread, vodka, condoms..."
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[all chuckle]
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-Could I see that? I'd love to read it.
-Why?
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Well, back before I consecrated
my life to mozzarella,
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marketing was sort of what I did.
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Oh, right, of course.
I would love to hear your thoughts.
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So, you're still gonna
want to hang out with us,
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even when you're totally fabulous
and we're still nobodies?
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Girls, you are making
way too much of this.
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[phone ringing]
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I'm not a bit more fabulous
than any one of you.
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-Excuse me.
-[beep]
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What is it, Andrew?
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I hope you're free for lunch on the 12th,
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'cause the Chamber of Commerce
just named you
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Businesswoman of the Year.
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Oh, my God! That is so amazing!
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The dry cleaner just found my sweater.
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[cell phone ringing]
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-Hi.
-Orson, I have amazing news!
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The Chamber of Commerce just called.
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Oh. What about?
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I want to buy you lunch
and tell you in person.
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I will be at your office in two minutes.
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Uh, no, no! Don't come to my office.
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You know, I can't have lunch now.
I'm in a meeting.
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Well, I'll wait in reception
until it's over.
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No! It'll take hours.
It's very urgent, high-level stuff.
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[steel drum playing]
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What kind of meeting is it?
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George, hey, turn that radio down!
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-Where are you?
-I told you, I'm in a meeting.
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I gotta go. I'll see you soon.
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Yes. You will.
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[beep]
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Mike, what's going on?
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-Daddy got me a bike.
-Yes, I see.
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And here Mommy thought we'd agreed
to wait till your birthday. Crazy Mommy.
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Can you teach me to ride it?
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No, not today,
I gotta go install a water heater.
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But you keep practicing,
and the next afternoon I have free,
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we'll bust off those training wheels
and go kick up some dirt, okay?
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-Okay.
-[chuckles] All right.
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[mike sighs]
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Oh, my God.
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-This is about MJ's drawing, isn't it?
-What?
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He does not love Jackson more than you.
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-He knows who his father is.
-I know that.
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Can't a guy get his kid a bike
without being psychoanalyzed?
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So you're totally fine with that drawing?
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Well, I won't go sticking it
on my fridge any time soon,
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-but yeah.
-[door slams shut]
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Look, I'm glad you're dating a nice guy.
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I'm glad he likes my kid
and my kid likes him.
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Here's a bike. That's all it is.
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[door opening]
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Hey, guys!
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Jackson! Look at my new bike!
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Pretty cool.
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That's a custom titanium frame.
Make sure MJ knows that.
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[man on TV] So, Wendy,
I got to know about the weather.
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Mommy, can Bethany go home now?
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Honey, she's only been here 20 minutes.
168
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We invited her over to play, so go play.
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But all she does is spin.
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Honey, we want Bethany to be our friend.
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So if she wants to spin,
just suck it up and spin.
172
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Why are you shoving that little weirdo
down Juanita's throat?
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That little weirdo is the key
to you and I having more sex.
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I know I should ask a few questions,
but I'm in.
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Bethany's mom hosts a weekly playdate.
I'm trying to get Juanita an invitation.
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How does that lead to quality time
with your boobs?
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Carlos, the only time you and I have
to ourselves is late at night,
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but by that time, we're too exhausted.
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00:09:30,041 --> 00:09:32,500
And now that we have Celia
in afternoon preschool,
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all we have to do is unload Juanita
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and then we can get back
to doing the nasty.
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This doesn't seem right,
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dumping our kid off
on some unsuspecting woman
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so that we can have sex?
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Wake up! Playdates were invented
by mothers for this exact purpose.
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Shopping, sex, drinking in the afternoon,
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playdates make all these things possible.
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I don't know.
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00:09:54,625 --> 00:09:59,250
I feel bad making my kid play with someone
that she obviously doesn't like.
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00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:02,625
Bethany's mom will take Juanita
once a week for two whole hours.
191
00:10:02,750 --> 00:10:04,125
That is sex and a nap.
192
00:10:07,041 --> 00:10:10,458
Juanita! I don't hear you spinning!
193
00:10:11,709 --> 00:10:12,834
I don't understand.
194
00:10:12,917 --> 00:10:15,959
-You said the job was going so well.
-It was.
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00:10:16,041 --> 00:10:17,125
Then three weeks ago,
196
00:10:17,208 --> 00:10:19,500
my parole officer left me a message
at work.
197
00:10:20,041 --> 00:10:22,125
That's when they found out I lied
on my application
198
00:10:22,208 --> 00:10:24,291
when I said I didn't have
a criminal record.
199
00:10:24,375 --> 00:10:27,542
So you've been pretending
to go to work for three weeks?
200
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:32,834
-I know you're angry.
-Honey, I'm not angry.
201
00:10:34,125 --> 00:10:36,458
I'm hurt that you didn't feel
like you could tell me.
202
00:10:37,375 --> 00:10:38,625
I was embarrassed.
203
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:42,041
Bree, when we married,
I was the breadwinner.
204
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:45,083
Now you have your company
and you have your book.
205
00:10:45,166 --> 00:10:47,500
I'm a felon who can't hold onto a job.
206
00:10:48,542 --> 00:10:51,792
Orson, we're partners.
We share everything.
207
00:10:51,875 --> 00:10:55,250
Any success I have
is just as much yours as it is mine.
208
00:10:58,208 --> 00:10:59,959
Thank you, darling.
209
00:11:02,875 --> 00:11:05,291
So, why did the Chamber of Commerce call?
210
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:11,750
Apparently we've been named
Businesswoman of the Year.
211
00:11:22,625 --> 00:11:24,625
Is that good enough?
212
00:11:31,750 --> 00:11:33,208
[exclaiming]
213
00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:37,542
Wow! You'd be killer in our band.
Wouldn't he be killer, Dave?
214
00:11:38,125 --> 00:11:40,417
Donald, why don't you let us
talk it over, and we'll get back to you.
215
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,500
No problem.
I have to get back to the office anyway.
216
00:11:42,583 --> 00:11:44,583
Quarterly tax time, it's got me swamped.
217
00:11:44,667 --> 00:11:48,250
-Well, we'll definitely call you today.
-Thanks, gentlemen.
218
00:11:50,875 --> 00:11:54,834
-Don't you think he crushed it?
-He was good, you know, technically.
219
00:11:55,792 --> 00:11:57,500
He didn't really have heart.
220
00:11:57,583 --> 00:11:59,458
What do you mean?
When he played Voodoo Chile,
221
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it was like Hendrix had risen.
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00:12:01,458 --> 00:12:03,542
Hey, what about Mike?
223
00:12:03,792 --> 00:12:05,125
I thought that's who we were gonna get.
224
00:12:05,542 --> 00:12:07,834
Well, I asked, but he said he's too busy.
225
00:12:07,917 --> 00:12:10,709
Too busy to live a little? Not gonna fly.
226
00:12:10,792 --> 00:12:13,041
Call him and give him my number.
I'll talk to him.
227
00:12:13,125 --> 00:12:14,792
Okay, sure. But what about Donald?
228
00:12:14,875 --> 00:12:16,500
Because if we don't get Mike,
I wanna make sure...
229
00:12:16,583 --> 00:12:18,667
Tom, Donald's out, all right?
230
00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:23,542
Have Mike call me.
231
00:12:34,625 --> 00:12:36,000
[whooping]
232
00:12:36,083 --> 00:12:40,500
What a rehearsal! Dave and I were smoking.
233
00:12:41,667 --> 00:12:44,458
Did you hear us? Lynette?
234
00:12:46,709 --> 00:12:47,750
Lynette?
235
00:12:48,417 --> 00:12:49,333
I'm sorry, what?
236
00:12:50,834 --> 00:12:55,166
Never mind. What are you working on?
What is this, Bree's ad stuff?
237
00:12:55,250 --> 00:12:57,166
Oh, God, no. Her agency really whiffed,
238
00:12:57,250 --> 00:12:59,709
so I'm coming up
with a whole new campaign.
239
00:12:59,792 --> 00:13:02,291
I was looking through
my old portfolio for inspiration.
240
00:13:03,458 --> 00:13:04,875
[Tom] Oh, I remember this one.
241
00:13:05,083 --> 00:13:07,125
"Feet, meet your new best friends."
242
00:13:07,208 --> 00:13:08,375
It's a classic.
243
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:11,083
You know, it's been years
since I looked through this stuff.
244
00:13:11,166 --> 00:13:14,041
I'd forgotten I was kind of great.
245
00:13:14,542 --> 00:13:15,625
You were awesome.
246
00:13:15,709 --> 00:13:18,083
I mean, come on, how lucky is Bree
to have a neighbor
247
00:13:18,166 --> 00:13:19,917
who used to be a big advertising hotshot?
248
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,417
Well, maybe I'm the lucky one.
249
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:25,458
This could be a perfect way for me
to stick my toe back in the business.
250
00:13:27,417 --> 00:13:30,500
Nothing big, maybe just
pick up some freelance work.
251
00:13:30,583 --> 00:13:31,750
But, honey, if you do that,
252
00:13:31,834 --> 00:13:34,250
where are you gonna find the time
for the family and the restaurant?
253
00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:36,625
Well, gee, I don't know.
254
00:13:36,709 --> 00:13:39,542
I guess the same place that
you find time for your garage band.
255
00:13:40,333 --> 00:13:43,291
-Lynette, I'm just saying that if you...
-Mmm!
256
00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:53,709
Okay, I dropped off Celia at preschool,
and Juanita's at her playdate.
257
00:13:53,792 --> 00:13:54,959
Drop trou.
258
00:13:55,041 --> 00:13:57,500
Why don't you put on that sexy red teddy?
259
00:13:57,583 --> 00:14:00,458
Can I ask why? I mean, you can't see it.
260
00:14:00,542 --> 00:14:01,542
Yeah, but I can feel it.
261
00:14:01,959 --> 00:14:04,709
And I love the sensation
of sliding silk off your body.
262
00:14:07,291 --> 00:14:08,291
Oh.
263
00:14:09,750 --> 00:14:11,667
What's it like, Carlos?
264
00:14:12,667 --> 00:14:15,375
-What?
-Sex as a blind man.
265
00:14:15,792 --> 00:14:18,375
I mean, you used to be so visual.
266
00:14:18,709 --> 00:14:21,250
-Is it still as good?
-It's better.
267
00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:25,000
I mean, having to rely on your senses
of touch and taste and smell.
268
00:14:25,083 --> 00:14:26,917
It's actually way more intense.
269
00:14:27,959 --> 00:14:29,083
Really?
270
00:14:29,166 --> 00:14:30,834
[sighing] You're so lucky.
271
00:14:31,291 --> 00:14:35,333
What, you want blind sex?
I think I can arrange that.
272
00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:40,834
Hey, there.
273
00:14:43,667 --> 00:14:45,875
Looks like somebody's
job interview went well.
274
00:14:45,959 --> 00:14:48,417
-Nope. They turned me down flat.
-Oh.
275
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,792
But as I was driving home,
it suddenly hit me.
276
00:14:50,875 --> 00:14:54,083
I may be persona non grata
at every company in this town,
277
00:14:54,166 --> 00:14:57,125
but there's at least one employer
I know who would love to hire me.
278
00:14:57,208 --> 00:14:58,250
Oh. Who?
279
00:15:01,041 --> 00:15:02,125
You.
280
00:15:03,750 --> 00:15:05,000
You want to work here?
281
00:15:06,041 --> 00:15:08,667
Why not? I'm great with food,
282
00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:11,500
I understand business,
I can't beat the commute!
283
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:15,542
Well, that's certainly
an intriguing notion.
284
00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:18,166
But wouldn't it be awkward
having me as your boss?
285
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:19,542
Absolutely.
286
00:15:20,333 --> 00:15:23,667
But as you said in the park,
we share everything,
287
00:15:23,750 --> 00:15:26,000
so I would be more of a partner.
288
00:15:26,667 --> 00:15:28,291
Partners, oh, well...
289
00:15:28,375 --> 00:15:31,208
Bree, would you give me a hand
with this arrangement?
290
00:15:31,875 --> 00:15:33,875
Just give me a second, okay?
291
00:15:35,333 --> 00:15:38,583
I think the lilies need their own vase.
292
00:15:38,667 --> 00:15:41,166
[whispering] If you hire him,
I will cut you with these scissors!
293
00:15:41,250 --> 00:15:43,583
I don't think we need to do that.
294
00:15:43,667 --> 00:15:46,250
I think they're crowding the irises out.
295
00:15:46,709 --> 00:15:48,125
Just like he's trying to crowd me out.
296
00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:49,917
You already have a partner, remember?
297
00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:54,500
Well, I think the irises and the lilies
could work together.
298
00:15:54,583 --> 00:15:56,250
Nope. One of them has to go.
299
00:15:56,750 --> 00:15:57,875
If I may offer an opinion...
300
00:15:57,959 --> 00:16:00,625
Not a good time, Orson!
301
00:16:02,041 --> 00:16:04,834
Tell him now or I will walk.
302
00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:09,959
Orson, you really don't want
to work with me.
303
00:16:10,041 --> 00:16:11,333
I mean, you only see me at home.
304
00:16:11,417 --> 00:16:13,959
But at work, when the pressure's on,
I can be a bit of a handful.
305
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:15,542
Katherine's seen how I get.
306
00:16:15,625 --> 00:16:20,333
-Oh, yes. Bitchy, tyrannical, shrill...
-He gets it, dear.
307
00:16:23,875 --> 00:16:27,333
Honey, you're my partner in life,
but if we want to keep it that way,
308
00:16:27,417 --> 00:16:29,333
we shouldn't mix marriage and business.
309
00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:31,875
But no one else will hire me.
310
00:16:31,959 --> 00:16:33,875
Well, you've only been looking
for a few weeks.
311
00:16:33,959 --> 00:16:36,667
I mean, give it another, say, month or two
312
00:16:36,750 --> 00:16:41,250
and if you still haven't found anything,
then we'll revisit the idea. Okay?
313
00:16:43,709 --> 00:16:46,417
Okay, it was just a thought.
314
00:16:49,875 --> 00:16:51,709
[door opens]
315
00:16:54,208 --> 00:16:56,500
[both panting]
316
00:16:56,625 --> 00:16:59,917
-So, what did you think?
-Oh, my God, you were right.
317
00:17:00,542 --> 00:17:02,458
Blind sex is incredible.
318
00:17:02,542 --> 00:17:05,625
Give me 10 more minutes and an energy bar,
and we can go one more time.
319
00:17:05,709 --> 00:17:06,709
[both chuckle]
320
00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:08,208
[slurping]
321
00:17:14,041 --> 00:17:15,208
No. I think we're done.
322
00:17:18,625 --> 00:17:22,625
Honey! What are you doing home?
I thought you were at Bethany's?
323
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,750
I got a tummy ache.
Her mom brought me back.
324
00:17:24,834 --> 00:17:25,917
Oh.
325
00:17:26,625 --> 00:17:28,709
Well, how long have
you been standing there?
326
00:17:28,792 --> 00:17:31,083
I don't know. What were you two doing?
327
00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:36,166
-Um... we were...
-We were wrestling. Wrestling!
328
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:40,208
Did Daddy hurt you?
You were making loud noises.
329
00:17:40,917 --> 00:17:43,542
No! No, that wasn't real.
330
00:17:43,750 --> 00:17:46,333
Sometimes I fake it
when I wrestle with Daddy.
331
00:17:48,417 --> 00:17:52,792
Please don't wrestle with Mommy.
You're too big. You could hurt her.
332
00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:54,667
Yeah, Carlos. Stop that.
333
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:56,834
Okay, go to your room,
334
00:17:56,917 --> 00:17:58,709
and I'm gonna bring you something
for your tummy.
335
00:18:01,208 --> 00:18:02,417
[sighs in relief]
336
00:18:02,959 --> 00:18:04,041
I think she bought it.
337
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,291
You mean the story
of how Daddy beats up Mommy?
338
00:18:06,375 --> 00:18:08,542
Relax. I told her I was fine.
339
00:18:08,625 --> 00:18:11,083
Look, I could hear the worry in her voice.
Why don't we just tell her the truth?
340
00:18:11,792 --> 00:18:14,834
What, that sometimes Mommy
rides Daddy like a mechanical bull
341
00:18:14,917 --> 00:18:16,000
to get jewelry?
342
00:18:16,083 --> 00:18:18,291
She's five. She's too young
to understand either half of that.
343
00:18:18,542 --> 00:18:20,834
It's the facts of life.
She's gonna learn them eventually.
344
00:18:20,917 --> 00:18:22,625
And it's the most natural thing
in the world.
345
00:18:23,375 --> 00:18:26,500
Carlos, if she was standing there
any longer than five minutes,
346
00:18:26,667 --> 00:18:28,500
there was nothing natural
about what she saw.
347
00:18:29,583 --> 00:18:31,792
By the way, thank you for that.
348
00:18:33,834 --> 00:18:35,458
[phone ringing]
349
00:18:38,125 --> 00:18:39,709
-Hello?
-Hey, it's me.
350
00:18:39,792 --> 00:18:42,125
Listen, I've got some free time,
351
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:44,333
so I thought I'd come over
and teach MJ how to ride his new bike.
352
00:18:44,417 --> 00:18:47,041
Great, he's so excited to learn.
353
00:18:47,583 --> 00:18:50,500
Are you sure he's ready
to go without training wheels?
354
00:18:50,583 --> 00:18:52,208
Oh, he'll probably have
to take a few spills.
355
00:18:52,291 --> 00:18:54,917
But luckily, he'll have his old man
there to pick him up.
356
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,458
Yeah, he's been asking when you're coming.
357
00:18:57,542 --> 00:19:00,083
I can't wait to tell him.
I know he'll be just...
358
00:19:02,166 --> 00:19:03,500
[screams]
359
00:19:04,125 --> 00:19:08,208
-What's the matter?
-Spider. Big one. Gotta go.
360
00:19:10,875 --> 00:19:12,917
Mommy, look, no training wheels!
361
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,500
I know. You did great.
362
00:19:15,583 --> 00:19:17,041
Jackson, can I see you a sec?
363
00:19:17,125 --> 00:19:21,041
-That was amazing! He learned so fast.
-Yeah, and you know what I learned?
364
00:19:21,125 --> 00:19:25,291
Mike's on his way over here to teach
his son how to ride the bike he bought!
365
00:19:25,375 --> 00:19:28,041
Something he was looking forward to
until you ruined it!
366
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:29,125
Well, why didn't you tell me that?
367
00:19:29,208 --> 00:19:32,208
I didn't know I had to tell you
not to steal a father's precious moment!
368
00:19:32,291 --> 00:19:35,333
MJ, he just kept asking me!
He made me do it!
369
00:19:35,417 --> 00:19:36,458
You could have walked away!
370
00:19:36,542 --> 00:19:39,542
No, I couldn't! He said "Pwease"!
371
00:19:40,542 --> 00:19:41,750
Damn it.
372
00:19:42,750 --> 00:19:47,542
As you can see, the graphic works just
as well on a free-standing display unit.
373
00:19:47,625 --> 00:19:50,083
-Neat, huh?
-Goodness, Lynette.
374
00:19:50,166 --> 00:19:52,250
When you offered to share
your thoughts on my campaign,
375
00:19:52,333 --> 00:19:55,625
I wasn't expecting anything
quite so elaborate.
376
00:19:55,709 --> 00:19:58,166
Well, who knew your marketing guys
were such lame-os?
377
00:19:58,250 --> 00:20:00,166
What they came up with is so...
378
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:02,583
tepid.
379
00:20:03,208 --> 00:20:06,709
Um... I think "understated"
was what they were going for.
380
00:20:06,792 --> 00:20:09,750
Well, they overshot
and wound up in "bland,"
381
00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:10,959
right on the border of "sucky."
382
00:20:11,041 --> 00:20:14,083
You need to grab your audience.
Just grab them!
383
00:20:14,166 --> 00:20:17,208
I've gone for jazzier colors,
bolder fonts.
384
00:20:17,291 --> 00:20:20,417
I have really played up
the whole nostalgia angle.
385
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:21,750
[sighs]
386
00:20:22,291 --> 00:20:25,750
"Let Mrs. Van De Kamp turn your oven
into a time machine."
387
00:20:25,834 --> 00:20:28,208
I see women really responding to that.
388
00:20:29,625 --> 00:20:30,709
Do you?
389
00:20:31,375 --> 00:20:35,125
Because I see children
crawling into ovens,
390
00:20:35,208 --> 00:20:36,750
hoping to see dinosaurs.
391
00:20:37,208 --> 00:20:38,500
Oh.
392
00:20:38,583 --> 00:20:42,125
Okay. Well, I've got a whole bunch
of alternatives.
393
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:44,208
Lynette, I appreciate
everything you've done,
394
00:20:44,709 --> 00:20:46,542
but I've actually approved
the old campaign.
395
00:20:46,625 --> 00:20:49,417
And I can't just tell them
I've changed my mind.
396
00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:50,875
You don't have to. I'll be the bad guy.
397
00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:54,500
Just tell them you've hired me,
and I'll go in there six-guns a-blazing.
398
00:20:54,583 --> 00:20:55,959
[mimicking gunfire]
399
00:20:56,208 --> 00:20:59,875
So, do we have a deal?
Just give me the word.
400
00:21:01,417 --> 00:21:02,333
No.
401
00:21:02,917 --> 00:21:06,041
-No?
-Sorry, but I prefer their campaign.
402
00:21:07,250 --> 00:21:08,250
But mine is better.
403
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:12,417
Well, you're entitled to think so,
but I don't.
404
00:21:13,333 --> 00:21:14,667
Look, Bree,
405
00:21:14,750 --> 00:21:18,500
[chuckles] I think I know a little more
about marketing than you do.
406
00:21:18,583 --> 00:21:22,583
When I was in it, I owned this town.
I had every big account.
407
00:21:22,667 --> 00:21:26,000
Hell, I was even named
Businesswoman of the Year.
408
00:21:26,458 --> 00:21:31,291
Oh. Well, I'm familiar with that award.
In fact, I'm this year's recipient.
409
00:21:33,166 --> 00:21:34,250
-Really?
-Yes.
410
00:21:34,333 --> 00:21:37,458
There's a luncheon on the 12th.
I do hope you can make it.
411
00:21:40,333 --> 00:21:44,792
By the way, you're right
about those colors. Very jazzy.
412
00:21:49,208 --> 00:21:50,291
[sighs]
413
00:21:53,083 --> 00:21:55,041
Come on, MJ. Your daddy's waiting.
414
00:22:01,458 --> 00:22:03,417
Mommy, I don't wanna fall.
415
00:22:04,333 --> 00:22:07,625
Oh, honey, you know how
you like to push the button
416
00:22:07,709 --> 00:22:08,834
when we go on the elevator,
417
00:22:08,917 --> 00:22:11,458
and if somebody else pushes it first,
it makes you sad?
418
00:22:12,208 --> 00:22:14,083
-But I don't want to fall.
-Just listen.
419
00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:17,417
Daddy really wanted to be the one
to teach you to ride your bike,
420
00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:21,041
and if you can already do it,
it's gonna make him sad.
421
00:22:21,125 --> 00:22:24,291
So just let Daddy push the button.
Understand?
422
00:22:24,375 --> 00:22:26,083
Oh, man.
423
00:22:35,083 --> 00:22:36,458
Wow, he's really picking it up fast.
424
00:22:37,125 --> 00:22:39,834
-I think it's just beginner's luck.
-Uh-huh.
425
00:22:43,625 --> 00:22:44,750
Are you sure he hasn't been practicing?
426
00:22:44,834 --> 00:22:46,583
No, he was absolutely waiting for you.
427
00:22:46,667 --> 00:22:48,792
You know,
I think I'm gonna go check his helmet.
428
00:22:50,417 --> 00:22:52,750
What are you doing? We talked about this.
429
00:22:52,834 --> 00:22:55,834
-You're supposed to be new at it.
-I don't want to fall. I'm scared.
430
00:22:55,917 --> 00:22:59,041
[sighs] Of what?
You're three inches off the ground.
431
00:22:59,125 --> 00:23:02,542
You're completely padded!
So just do what I say.
432
00:23:02,875 --> 00:23:05,375
Wobble, wobble.
"Daddy, look at me." Crash.
433
00:23:09,458 --> 00:23:13,792
Boy, he was just telling me
how glad he is to have his dad here.
434
00:23:14,208 --> 00:23:16,667
Really? 'Cause I almost feel like
he doesn't even need me.
435
00:23:16,750 --> 00:23:19,166
Oh, that's just silly.
436
00:23:33,583 --> 00:23:36,166
Oh! Whoops-a-daisy!
437
00:23:36,250 --> 00:23:38,834
It's a good thing your dad's here
to teach you how to do it right.
438
00:23:38,917 --> 00:23:41,500
Oh, looking good, buddy,
but remember, when you stop,
439
00:23:41,583 --> 00:23:44,000
you gotta put your foot down first, okay?
440
00:23:44,083 --> 00:23:45,125
[exclaims in pain]
441
00:23:45,208 --> 00:23:46,583
Does that hurt right there, buddy?
442
00:23:46,667 --> 00:23:47,959
He's fine.
443
00:23:48,375 --> 00:23:50,375
No, Mommy, it hurts!
444
00:23:57,458 --> 00:23:58,875
This is all my fault.
445
00:23:58,959 --> 00:24:01,625
[groans] Will you stop?
The doctor said it was just a sprain.
446
00:24:01,709 --> 00:24:03,500
I know, but still,
I shouldn't have pushed it.
447
00:24:03,583 --> 00:24:06,709
You know, why look for blame? Kids fall.
448
00:24:06,792 --> 00:24:09,041
If you have to find fault,
blame the pavement.
449
00:24:09,125 --> 00:24:11,792
Not yourself or me.
450
00:24:13,875 --> 00:24:15,125
Mommy.
451
00:24:16,375 --> 00:24:18,500
He should have his pitching arm
back in no time.
452
00:24:18,583 --> 00:24:20,875
-Oh, thank you.
-But I did want to ask,
453
00:24:20,959 --> 00:24:23,041
MJ said that he fell on purpose.
454
00:24:23,125 --> 00:24:26,625
Something about you telling him to
"let Daddy push the elevator button"?
455
00:24:30,667 --> 00:24:31,959
You told him to fall?
456
00:24:32,959 --> 00:24:34,917
Remember, it's the pavement you're mad at.
457
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,083
What the hell, Susan?
Why would you do something like that?
458
00:24:38,500 --> 00:24:40,291
Jackson taught him to ride the bike.
459
00:24:41,542 --> 00:24:42,417
Jackson.
460
00:24:42,500 --> 00:24:43,750
Who's Jackson?
461
00:24:44,166 --> 00:24:48,041
He does sleepovers with Mommy.
They drink lots of wine.
462
00:24:49,542 --> 00:24:53,625
Hey, Doc, don't you hand out lollipops
to brave little boys?
463
00:24:57,834 --> 00:25:00,709
I'm sorry. MJ was excited about the bike,
464
00:25:00,792 --> 00:25:03,083
so Jackson took off the training wheels
and taught him.
465
00:25:03,208 --> 00:25:04,166
He didn't know.
466
00:25:04,417 --> 00:25:07,208
He didn't know I'd want to be the one
to teach my own kid how to ride a bike?
467
00:25:07,291 --> 00:25:08,333
Okay, you know what?
468
00:25:10,375 --> 00:25:12,166
This is not Jackson's fault.
469
00:25:12,250 --> 00:25:14,041
You can't give a five-year-old a bike
470
00:25:14,125 --> 00:25:17,250
and expect him to wait to ride it
until you have time!
471
00:25:18,041 --> 00:25:19,709
[Susan sighing]
472
00:25:20,291 --> 00:25:22,333
You know, this is what it means
to be divorced.
473
00:25:22,917 --> 00:25:25,417
It means that sometimes
you won't be there.
474
00:25:26,875 --> 00:25:29,166
I know. It's...
475
00:25:33,792 --> 00:25:36,041
just harder than I thought it would be.
476
00:25:38,417 --> 00:25:39,792
Well, it's hard for me, too.
477
00:25:40,709 --> 00:25:42,458
I miss things when he's with you.
478
00:25:43,417 --> 00:25:48,667
And I am trying to come to terms
with my guilt, because...
479
00:25:51,083 --> 00:25:52,250
I have to.
480
00:25:53,709 --> 00:25:54,917
So do you.
481
00:25:58,333 --> 00:26:00,041
There's nothing else you can do.
482
00:26:05,291 --> 00:26:06,834
[sighs]
483
00:26:06,917 --> 00:26:07,917
[door closes]
484
00:26:08,917 --> 00:26:10,125
Has Mike called?
485
00:26:11,291 --> 00:26:12,458
Hi, honey, you're home.
486
00:26:14,291 --> 00:26:15,792
Sorry, hon.
487
00:26:16,667 --> 00:26:17,542
Hi.
488
00:26:18,709 --> 00:26:21,750
-So, did he call?
-No.
489
00:26:22,583 --> 00:26:24,375
Hey, listen to this,
490
00:26:24,458 --> 00:26:26,542
Mrs. Hudson's putting her house up
for sale.
491
00:26:26,625 --> 00:26:28,291
I think we should buy it.
492
00:26:29,041 --> 00:26:29,875
Why?
493
00:26:31,041 --> 00:26:32,000
As an investment.
494
00:26:32,458 --> 00:26:36,083
It's fantastic, my friend Mary Alice
blew her brains out in this house.
495
00:26:36,166 --> 00:26:39,542
And all I'd have to do is let that slip
and we'd get it for a song.
496
00:26:40,458 --> 00:26:43,125
Yeah, I don't think so.
497
00:26:43,208 --> 00:26:45,667
Well, why not? We'll rent it out.
We could make some serious money.
498
00:26:46,583 --> 00:26:48,291
The last thing I want to be is a landlord,
499
00:26:48,750 --> 00:26:50,917
get a phone call every time
a toilet overflows.
500
00:26:51,458 --> 00:26:53,125
That's why we hire a management company...
501
00:26:53,208 --> 00:26:54,625
Damn it, Edie! I said no!
502
00:27:02,542 --> 00:27:04,041
Why are you yelling at me?
503
00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:07,625
I don't know.
504
00:27:09,750 --> 00:27:11,750
I'm sorry. I've just got a lot on my mind.
505
00:27:14,208 --> 00:27:15,375
I'm sorry.
506
00:27:29,083 --> 00:27:30,250
[grunts]
507
00:27:49,417 --> 00:27:51,583
Hi, Bethany. I'm here to pick up Juanita.
508
00:27:51,667 --> 00:27:52,709
Is she around?
509
00:27:52,792 --> 00:27:54,709
Boys have sperm!
510
00:27:55,917 --> 00:27:56,834
Excuse me?
511
00:27:57,917 --> 00:27:59,500
We need to talk.
512
00:28:03,667 --> 00:28:06,417
So, apparently, after we had
our little chat with Juanita,
513
00:28:06,500 --> 00:28:08,625
she went straight to Bethany
and passed on the facts of life
514
00:28:08,709 --> 00:28:10,166
in excruciating detail.
515
00:28:10,250 --> 00:28:12,625
Well, did you explain to Peggy
why we had the little chat?
516
00:28:12,709 --> 00:28:13,834
She didn't want to hear it.
517
00:28:13,917 --> 00:28:15,500
Not with Bethany running around the house
518
00:28:15,583 --> 00:28:17,875
screaming "intercourse"
at the top of her lungs.
519
00:28:18,458 --> 00:28:20,625
[sighing] So we're out of the playdate?
520
00:28:20,709 --> 00:28:22,125
Oh, yeah. Way out.
521
00:28:24,792 --> 00:28:27,083
Well, I guess it's back
to the old schedule
522
00:28:27,166 --> 00:28:29,208
of 10 minutes of grope and snore
at midnight.
523
00:28:29,291 --> 00:28:30,667
I'm not going back, Carlos. I can't.
524
00:28:30,750 --> 00:28:33,458
If Juanita doesn't get her playdate,
you're not getting yours.
525
00:28:33,542 --> 00:28:35,291
Fine. I will fix it.
526
00:28:35,375 --> 00:28:39,375
I just don't know why Peggy's making
such a big deal out of this.
527
00:28:39,458 --> 00:28:41,125
Sperm!
528
00:28:43,250 --> 00:28:46,542
Juanita! Stop talking to your sister!
529
00:28:50,333 --> 00:28:52,542
Orson, what are you doing
in the guest bedroom?
530
00:28:52,625 --> 00:28:55,834
I couldn't sleep.
You were snoring too loudly.
531
00:28:57,083 --> 00:28:59,208
-Me? Snoring?
-Mmm.
532
00:28:59,834 --> 00:29:01,250
Like a donkey with a head cold.
533
00:29:01,917 --> 00:29:03,542
Honey, I don't snore.
534
00:29:03,625 --> 00:29:09,125
You can't always hear yourself.
But I hear you, loud and clear.
535
00:29:11,792 --> 00:29:14,041
Oh, for heaven's sakes, come back to bed.
536
00:29:15,125 --> 00:29:18,458
No. I'm good here.
537
00:29:27,875 --> 00:29:29,834
Hey, Mike, Dave Williams.
538
00:29:29,917 --> 00:29:31,166
Look, I hate to bother you,
539
00:29:31,250 --> 00:29:33,625
but I got a busted pipe outside the house.
540
00:29:33,709 --> 00:29:35,291
Probably some kids playing a prank.
541
00:29:35,375 --> 00:29:37,583
No problem. I'm across town
finishing up on another job,
542
00:29:37,667 --> 00:29:39,917
so depending on traffic,
give me, say, an hour.
543
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:41,917
Thanks, I really appreciate it.
544
00:29:47,709 --> 00:29:49,041
[grunts]
545
00:29:49,542 --> 00:29:51,458
[Dave panting]
546
00:29:56,875 --> 00:29:59,667
So, when Juanita thought
that I might be hurting her mother,
547
00:29:59,750 --> 00:30:02,625
we decided it was best
that she knew the truth.
548
00:30:02,709 --> 00:30:05,208
It just seemed like the right thing
to do at the time.
549
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:09,458
See, honey? I knew there had
to be a rational explanation.
550
00:30:10,291 --> 00:30:16,000
Well, I guess under the circumstances,
you didn't have any other choice.
551
00:30:16,083 --> 00:30:17,500
[sighs]
552
00:30:17,583 --> 00:30:21,834
So, do you think there's any chance
Juanita could rejoin your playdate?
553
00:30:22,291 --> 00:30:26,125
We've talked to her.
She will never discuss sex ever again.
554
00:30:26,208 --> 00:30:28,208
Not if she wants to see
her favorite dolly alive.
555
00:30:30,750 --> 00:30:34,083
Gabby, we don't need to let them know
all of our parenting secrets.
556
00:30:34,166 --> 00:30:38,417
I think that'd be okay.
I probably overreacted.
557
00:30:39,041 --> 00:30:41,500
We just want to keep Bethany's
innocence as long as we can.
558
00:30:41,583 --> 00:30:43,291
Oh, we totally agree.
559
00:30:43,375 --> 00:30:45,125
Kids are forced to grow up
way too fast these days.
560
00:30:45,583 --> 00:30:49,000
No kidding. I want my girls to believe
in Santa Claus as long as possible.
561
00:30:49,083 --> 00:30:51,208
They're gonna find out soon enough
that it's all a lie.
562
00:30:51,291 --> 00:30:52,709
[both chuckling]
563
00:30:52,792 --> 00:30:53,959
[Bethany] What?
564
00:30:54,542 --> 00:30:56,375
There's no Santa Claus?
565
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:00,500
[crying]
566
00:31:04,291 --> 00:31:07,291
So, the next playdate's Monday at 1:00?
567
00:31:09,166 --> 00:31:11,000
Wow. Whoever did this really went to town.
568
00:31:11,083 --> 00:31:13,208
[chuckling] Yeah, I know. The damn kids.
569
00:31:13,834 --> 00:31:16,959
By the way, did you put any more
thought into joining the band?
570
00:31:17,041 --> 00:31:18,875
Oh, man, I'm sorry,
I've been meaning to get back to you.
571
00:31:18,959 --> 00:31:21,875
I appreciate the offer, but I'm really
stretched thin these days.
572
00:31:21,959 --> 00:31:25,041
Oh, come on.
Every man's got time for a little music.
573
00:31:25,125 --> 00:31:27,208
Believe me,
I'd love to play with you guys,
574
00:31:27,291 --> 00:31:29,709
but I live 30 minutes away,
an hour in traffic,
575
00:31:30,208 --> 00:31:31,875
whatever time I've got left is for my son.
576
00:31:31,959 --> 00:31:33,417
Yeah, I hear you.
577
00:31:33,792 --> 00:31:35,750
Hey, you ever look
into living a little closer by?
578
00:31:36,166 --> 00:31:38,000
[chuckling] With the rent prices
in this neighborhood?
579
00:31:38,125 --> 00:31:41,125
I might play guitar like a rock star,
but I don't earn like one.
580
00:31:41,208 --> 00:31:44,375
Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I wasn't thinking.
581
00:31:44,458 --> 00:31:47,667
It's all right.
I appreciate you trying to help.
582
00:31:49,792 --> 00:31:52,000
Believe me, I wish I could do more.
583
00:31:58,417 --> 00:32:01,375
I've never seen Bree so happy.
She's glowing.
584
00:32:01,458 --> 00:32:04,208
She won't be glowing
when that agency sinks her book.
585
00:32:04,291 --> 00:32:06,250
-[scoffs] Lynette!
-I'm telling you,
586
00:32:06,333 --> 00:32:09,417
the only thing staler than
that ad campaign is this dinner roll.
587
00:32:09,500 --> 00:32:11,875
Yeah, and the water was
as flat as the ad campaign,
588
00:32:11,959 --> 00:32:13,917
your martini was
as dry as the ad campaign.
589
00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:15,000
Let it go.
590
00:32:16,208 --> 00:32:17,208
Hi, everybody.
591
00:32:17,291 --> 00:32:18,792
-Are you having a good time?
-Hi, beautiful.
592
00:32:18,875 --> 00:32:21,250
-Um... This is...
-Stu?
593
00:32:21,333 --> 00:32:24,458
Lynette Scavo.
I thought that might be you.
594
00:32:24,542 --> 00:32:28,959
Hey, everyone,
this is my old assistant, Stu...
595
00:32:29,583 --> 00:32:30,625
-Durber.
-[chuckling] ...Durber.
596
00:32:31,166 --> 00:32:34,083
[Lynette] Hey!
Well, this was one great guy.
597
00:32:34,166 --> 00:32:39,291
He would schlep all the way across
town just to get me my Chinese food.
598
00:32:39,375 --> 00:32:42,041
So, what are you up to?
599
00:32:42,125 --> 00:32:45,208
Actually, Stu's company
is doing all my advertising.
600
00:32:49,709 --> 00:32:51,959
-Your company? You have a company?
-Three years now.
601
00:32:52,041 --> 00:32:52,959
[exclaims]
602
00:32:53,041 --> 00:32:55,208
How about you?
Are you still at Parcher and Murphy?
603
00:32:55,709 --> 00:32:58,625
No. I also went into business for myself.
604
00:32:59,041 --> 00:33:00,625
Her place makes the best pizza in town.
605
00:33:01,500 --> 00:33:02,917
You own a pizzeria?
606
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:06,959
Well, it's really my husband's.
And I'm still doing some freelance stuff.
607
00:33:07,041 --> 00:33:08,625
-Well, that's great.
-Mmm-hmm.
608
00:33:08,709 --> 00:33:10,250
-You know, we're always working late.
-Oh.
609
00:33:10,333 --> 00:33:11,291
Give me your card.
610
00:33:11,375 --> 00:33:12,917
-We'll order from you some night.
-Oh.
611
00:33:12,959 --> 00:33:15,458
You know, of course, we're across town,
so it may be a bit of a schlep.
612
00:33:15,542 --> 00:33:17,000
[laughing] Oh.
613
00:33:17,083 --> 00:33:18,750
-It was great catching up, Lynette.
-Yeah.
614
00:33:18,834 --> 00:33:20,375
Bree, let me introduce you to some people.
615
00:33:21,083 --> 00:33:23,208
Yeah. Great.
616
00:33:37,709 --> 00:33:40,500
There's my beautiful wife.
What are you up to?
617
00:33:41,458 --> 00:33:43,834
Why? Looking for a reason to scream at me?
618
00:33:43,917 --> 00:33:46,583
You're right. I was awful the other day.
619
00:33:46,709 --> 00:33:50,250
How about I make it up to you
by buying you Mrs. Hudson's house?
620
00:33:50,792 --> 00:33:52,000
Seriously?
621
00:33:52,125 --> 00:33:55,750
Well, I thought about it, and I agree.
It's a good investment opportunity.
622
00:33:55,834 --> 00:33:56,875
[whooping]
623
00:33:56,959 --> 00:34:01,583
-Thank you, thank you, thank you!
-Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
624
00:34:02,917 --> 00:34:06,625
And I promise, that we'll
rent that place out for top dollar.
625
00:34:06,709 --> 00:34:09,041
Oh, I'm not worried about that.
626
00:34:09,500 --> 00:34:12,875
But first I want to do someone a favor.
627
00:34:14,667 --> 00:34:16,250
[phone ringing]
628
00:34:18,709 --> 00:34:21,250
-Hi.
-Where are you? It's after 2:00.
629
00:34:21,709 --> 00:34:23,250
I'm getting ready for my job interview.
630
00:34:23,333 --> 00:34:25,542
But that's not until 4:00.
631
00:34:26,458 --> 00:34:29,000
I'm reading the company's annual reports.
I want to be prepared.
632
00:34:29,500 --> 00:34:32,709
Oh, honey, everybody's asking about you.
633
00:34:33,166 --> 00:34:35,375
I want you to be here. It's my big day.
634
00:34:36,542 --> 00:34:40,667
Well, enjoy it. You've earned it.
635
00:34:50,750 --> 00:34:51,917
[exclaims]
636
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,291
You know what this tastes like? More.
637
00:34:55,583 --> 00:34:58,750
It would seem somebody's taking
their designated driver position
638
00:34:58,834 --> 00:35:00,166
a little lightly.
639
00:35:00,250 --> 00:35:05,250
Stu? Stu is doing Bree's ad campaign?
640
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:08,500
I rode in his hatchback once.
641
00:35:08,583 --> 00:35:11,959
It smelled like moo shu.
I've got to warn her.
642
00:35:12,041 --> 00:35:15,041
Oh, wait, no, honey. Why don't you wait
until after the ceremony?
643
00:35:15,166 --> 00:35:17,583
Yeah, just until you can blink both eyes
at the same time.
644
00:35:18,083 --> 00:35:21,458
Guys, I'm just gonna
offer her a little advice.
645
00:35:21,542 --> 00:35:22,750
[exclaims]
646
00:35:23,125 --> 00:35:24,333
[gasps] Oh!
647
00:35:24,625 --> 00:35:25,709
Oh!
648
00:35:25,792 --> 00:35:26,875
[exclaims]
649
00:35:26,959 --> 00:35:27,959
Still waiting.
650
00:35:28,041 --> 00:35:30,583
The great thing about the Internet
is that with a minimal investment,
651
00:35:30,667 --> 00:35:32,875
you actually can reach
all your specific target...
652
00:35:33,458 --> 00:35:34,792
Coupons.
653
00:35:35,417 --> 00:35:36,542
Coupons?
654
00:35:36,625 --> 00:35:40,709
Do a cross-promotion with
some of the major food companies.
655
00:35:40,792 --> 00:35:46,917
Knock off 20% on some of the items
featured in your recipes,
656
00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:51,834
then they do the same towards
the purchase of your cookbook.
657
00:35:52,583 --> 00:35:54,709
Yeah, our research shows
people aren't so hot on gimmicks.
658
00:35:54,792 --> 00:35:56,250
Zip it, Stewie.
659
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:58,792
Would you excuse us, please?
660
00:36:00,709 --> 00:36:03,041
[whispering] Lynette, you're drunk.
661
00:36:03,458 --> 00:36:07,000
Yeah, that's immaterial.
What do you think of the coupons?
662
00:36:07,083 --> 00:36:10,333
Oh, Lynette, I am really not able
to deal with that right now.
663
00:36:10,750 --> 00:36:11,750
Oh.
664
00:36:11,834 --> 00:36:15,583
I know, you've got your book
and your big fancy award,
665
00:36:15,667 --> 00:36:16,959
and I'm just a housewife.
666
00:36:17,458 --> 00:36:18,750
I never said that.
667
00:36:18,834 --> 00:36:22,041
You know, when I had a high-powered career
668
00:36:22,125 --> 00:36:25,583
and you were just a housewife,
I never looked down on you.
669
00:36:26,500 --> 00:36:30,959
If you could all please take your seats,
it's time to present our award.
670
00:36:33,709 --> 00:36:34,750
You need to leave now.
671
00:36:36,417 --> 00:36:37,792
Fine.
672
00:36:37,875 --> 00:36:39,875
And don't worry, even though I'd like to,
673
00:36:39,959 --> 00:36:42,417
I'm not gonna make some big, ugly scene.
674
00:36:42,500 --> 00:36:43,959
[alarm blaring]
675
00:36:44,041 --> 00:36:45,583
[people exclaiming]
676
00:36:53,291 --> 00:36:54,375
[door closes]
677
00:36:57,166 --> 00:36:58,250
Hi.
678
00:36:58,333 --> 00:37:02,166
Hey. I bought MJ some stilts,
thought I'd teach him how to use them.
679
00:37:02,250 --> 00:37:03,333
Har, har.
680
00:37:03,417 --> 00:37:06,041
Actually he's at Juanita's watching a DVD.
681
00:37:06,125 --> 00:37:07,875
-Do you want me to call him?
-No, no, it's cool.
682
00:37:07,959 --> 00:37:10,166
I just wanted to tell him
about my new place.
683
00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:15,291
[sighing] You're moving again?
How far are you gonna be away now?
684
00:37:18,959 --> 00:37:21,291
-The Hudson house?
-Yeah. She sold it.
685
00:37:21,375 --> 00:37:23,959
And Edie told me
the new owner wants to rent it.
686
00:37:24,083 --> 00:37:25,917
So now I'll have a fighting chance
of being around
687
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:27,500
when MJ hits his milestones.
688
00:37:30,333 --> 00:37:31,250
Is this okay with you?
689
00:37:32,667 --> 00:37:34,834
Yeah. It's great.
690
00:37:36,250 --> 00:37:37,083
We'll be like...
691
00:37:38,792 --> 00:37:41,000
one big, happy, divorced family.
692
00:37:41,667 --> 00:37:45,542
-You sure?
-It's a little weird.
693
00:37:45,625 --> 00:37:51,166
But you know, MJ will be thrilled,
and, yeah, I'm fine with it.
694
00:37:51,875 --> 00:37:53,959
Good. So...
695
00:37:55,458 --> 00:37:57,667
I'll see you around, neighbor.
696
00:37:57,750 --> 00:37:59,291
[both chuckle]
697
00:38:02,291 --> 00:38:03,500
[sighs]
698
00:38:04,250 --> 00:38:07,667
I think it's strange you won't let me
tell Mike we're the new owners.
699
00:38:07,750 --> 00:38:09,125
The man's got a lot of pride.
700
00:38:09,625 --> 00:38:12,417
I want him to feel like I'm his neighbor,
not his landlord.
701
00:38:13,166 --> 00:38:15,625
Landlord?
Hell, with the rent we're charging him,
702
00:38:15,709 --> 00:38:16,959
you're his fairy godmother.
703
00:38:17,041 --> 00:38:19,709
All right, consider it
an investment in good karma.
704
00:38:19,792 --> 00:38:21,166
Screw karma.
705
00:38:21,625 --> 00:38:23,208
I finally do something nice
in this neighborhood,
706
00:38:23,291 --> 00:38:24,500
and I can't even brag about it?
707
00:38:27,333 --> 00:38:29,458
The man who is silent in his good deeds,
708
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:32,542
is the man who reaps the greatest reward.
709
00:38:37,041 --> 00:38:38,125
[knock on door]
710
00:38:40,417 --> 00:38:41,709
Hey.
711
00:38:41,792 --> 00:38:42,959
Hi.
712
00:38:43,041 --> 00:38:45,542
So, give me some guidance.
713
00:38:45,625 --> 00:38:50,834
Do I grovel, send flowers, or just move?
714
00:38:51,542 --> 00:38:52,875
I'm not angry with you.
715
00:38:53,500 --> 00:38:55,000
I'm just sorry that you felt so...
716
00:38:55,083 --> 00:38:57,125
Drunk? Jealous?
717
00:38:57,208 --> 00:39:00,417
[chuckling] You have nothing
to be jealous of.
718
00:39:00,500 --> 00:39:02,959
Don't give me that.
719
00:39:03,041 --> 00:39:07,667
You're having the kind of success
I only dreamed of back in my ad days.
720
00:39:07,750 --> 00:39:09,667
But that doesn't mean I look down on you.
721
00:39:09,750 --> 00:39:13,875
No, but watching you, I look down on me.
722
00:39:15,041 --> 00:39:17,917
When I held your book in my hands,
723
00:39:18,709 --> 00:39:21,667
I felt so jealous my stomach hurt.
724
00:39:22,417 --> 00:39:27,625
And I thought if I could just hitch
a ride, have a piece of it,
725
00:39:27,709 --> 00:39:30,542
I wouldn't feel so bad about your success.
726
00:39:30,625 --> 00:39:33,041
For God's sakes, Lynette,
stop calling me a success!
727
00:39:33,125 --> 00:39:35,417
There's nothing successful about me.
728
00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:38,250
[Bree sighs]
729
00:39:40,208 --> 00:39:42,083
My friends think I'm going to drop them,
730
00:39:42,166 --> 00:39:45,208
my partner resents me, and my husband...
731
00:39:48,625 --> 00:39:50,333
has moved into the guest bedroom.
732
00:39:53,417 --> 00:39:56,500
Everything I gain
comes at some horrible price.
733
00:39:56,583 --> 00:39:59,458
And I'm starting to wonder
if any of it's even worth it.
734
00:40:00,083 --> 00:40:01,458
It is.
735
00:40:04,750 --> 00:40:07,333
You're at the start
of an incredible journey.
736
00:40:07,417 --> 00:40:10,959
And I am going to be there
every step of the way,
737
00:40:11,041 --> 00:40:13,000
cheering you on,
738
00:40:13,083 --> 00:40:18,542
telling anyone who'll listen that
the Bree Van De Kamp is my friend.
739
00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:20,959
Thanks.
740
00:40:21,834 --> 00:40:23,667
And the rest of the stuff,
741
00:40:25,458 --> 00:40:27,083
you'll find a way to fix it.
742
00:40:28,959 --> 00:40:32,959
Just know that all your friends
are very proud of you.
743
00:40:36,041 --> 00:40:37,709
Bitterly jealous, but proud.
744
00:40:49,834 --> 00:40:53,583
[Mary Alice] If you look closely
into the faces of those around you,
745
00:40:54,583 --> 00:40:57,667
you will catch a glimpse
of a certain green-eyed monster.
746
00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:06,208
And then you'll see they envy your career,
747
00:41:12,667 --> 00:41:14,041
your love life,
748
00:41:22,208 --> 00:41:24,625
the time you spend with their child.
749
00:41:31,917 --> 00:41:35,375
How do you deal with such jealousy?
750
00:41:40,709 --> 00:41:42,667
There are many ways,
751
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:46,417
but the best...
752
00:41:47,875 --> 00:41:51,500
is to simply share what you have.
753
00:41:55,291 --> 00:41:56,625
Thank you.
754
00:42:02,500 --> 00:42:05,125
Promise me you'll never leave
our bed again.
755
00:42:06,041 --> 00:42:09,375
I promise, partner.
756
00:42:15,917 --> 00:42:17,041
[theme music playing]
757
00:42:46,875 --> 00:42:47,750
[theme music ends]